Reread Twilight.

I know I keep promising to review Twilight, but I can't really imagine doing so. I was not feeling well at all yesterday, so I went to Health Services. I found this to be...not very helpful. I'm going back again today. I'm having some issues with my heart racing, so I just want to get that checked out, I guess.

As far as Twilight goes, it is really hard to explain the magic that is. Yesterday was my third read through the novel, and each time, I seem to be re-enchanted by Edward Cullen. I often have discussions and debates with my friend Chelsea about whether their relationship is abusive or something else [we're just playing Devil's Advocate...we love Edward]. Anyway, each time I reread the book, I'm looking at it from a different perspective. The first time I read it, I was entirely smitten with Edward and Bella. I loved every part of their relationship. I didn't read into it. The next time I read it, I read through thinking, "Yeah, but he's had over a 100 years to perfect his charm..." and sometimes had trouble separating the idea of a 100+ year old talking to a 17 year old girl. The second read through was probably the hardest, as I found myself thinking, "But he's nearly 100 years old," at completely inappropriate moments.

After reading debates on Bella and Edward's relationship as well as participating in discussions with Chelsea, I felt that it was time to read Twilight a third time. This time, I meant to pick apart their relationship with a fine-toothed comb. Everything Edward said, or Bella said, I read further into. But, after all of this, I must say that I am right back to where I started: enchanted by their relationship. I sort of thought the parts where Edward was sort of stalking Bella were kind of weird, especially because she found it endearing.

And I'm still not sure if Meyer displayed the exact kind of love that is supposed to exist between Bella and Edward. I guess the problem I have with it is that everything sort of moves very quickly. It feels weird to say that, since I know it takes them forever to kiss or touch in the novel--but their other feelings are just a huge overtaking. The problem I have with this is that we've all experienced that first love--the kind that feels like love in two weeks into the relationship. All of the sudden, it's just a rush of all of these new emotions that keeps it exciting and it's the first time you're going through it and you think to yourself, "oh my god, i'm in love." but you're not. you're just a stupid teenager.

On that note, Bella choosing her fate as a vampire never bothered me until I read some debates on the subject. And I suppose now it does. Of course I was inclined to throw everything in my life away for my high school sweethearts! It's just...a product of stupid first love [and second love]. Now, it just bothers me that Bella is willing to throw everything that she is away for Edward. I know Edward is all noble and shit and he's all, "no, you don't know what you're doing," but it's not the point of the thing. I just think they need to give their relationship a few more years. That sounds so old of me. Even more than that, though, I feel also that, if Bella is to be changed in the next book, I would prefer for her to come close to death and HAVE to be changed. I don't really want to read that she chooses this fate and is stuck forever.

I guess I just don't understand the simplicity of their love. And when you think about it, Meyer is fucking amazing. She's out there living the dream. She's created a worldwide phenomenon. I'm sure she didn't mean for people to be analyzing Bella and Edward as much as we all do. For some reason, and all you Edward fans might want to tune out right about now, I feel like she does a *better* job of establishing the love that exists between Bella and Jacob. I know this seems weird, but to me, they're all like hanging out and spending time together...and it just kind of happens. It's not really easy to explain. I can understand that. But I just can't understand, sometimes... I know Edward keeps saying in Twilight he wants her in both ways, i.e. human and vampire. But, as my friend Chelsea pointed out, he wouldn't have noticed her [or thought twice about her] had she not been his singer. It's just really irritating to think that he was driven by vampiristic desires and needs at first. Sure, they turned into more, I guess.

I'm not sure. To me, upon this third reading, it seems the meadow scene is supposed to be the scene in which everything progresses to a sort of "love" level, but I'm still left wondering. I don't want Bella to choose to become a vampire, to choose to give up everything that she is as a human, for Edward. I know she says it's what she wants, but it bothers me that they keep saying their lives are entirely about one another. I mean, it's just so high school relationship for me. It is that exactly, in fact, when you totally intertwine your life with someone else and then realize, "Fuck, I lost my own identity," because you don't have a life of your own anymore. I guess when you think about it in terms of marriage, eventually someone's life eventually intertwines with someone else's, and they eventually sort of have each other. But not at 17-18. God, how dumb I would've been to choose to be with the person I was with at those ages or younger...my first loves. Of course it feels new and different and like a rush of emotions!! IT IS.

And Edward's attempted suicide because he couldn't be with Bella? Not romantic. Again, here he is, making his entire life about her, willing to give up everything [now, he's immortal and has sort of lived out a normal lifespan, i suppose]. But, uhm hello, his family?! I mean, Bella pretty much blows off her friends at Forks High and is like smitten with Edward and Edward's family. Because Bella does this, we, as readers, are inclined to do this too, but if we take a step back from the bigger picture here, look at everything she's giving up.

I guess I just...I understand their love on a teenage first love kind of level. Because I've been there...when everything is strange and new and relationships just seems so "pretty and magical." And they seem rather effortless, when they are actually a lot of fucking work. What I don't understand is their love on a more adult kind of level. I guess none of this matters, if Bella is changed, because she'll lose her human memories anyway.

I don't know. On the one hand, I wouldn't read so much in to the novel if I didn't *LOVE* it, but on the other hand, the more I think about it, the more frustrating it gets. The thing is, I've never analyzed my books in such ways. I'm sure if I delved further into Rowling's Potter books, I could find a million and one nit-picky things that I hated. It just sort of follows that sometimes works are meant to be taken at face value.

Even after that lovely rant: Pick up a copy of Twilight, read it. And even after that lovely rant, my point was that, after reading it yesterday, I was left simply gunning for Bella and Edward to be la-de-da together forever. So I suppose... my problems with it are not all that important.

-Book It Girl.